Perhaps you’re coming out of a wave of layoffs or a down year. Maybe you’re preparing for a run of performance reviews where you have to deliver tough feedback. If you have tense conversations on the horizon, there are ways to prepare for it.
In many cases, the anticipation of a high-conflict conversation creates more stress than the actual experience. It’s normal to feel out of control in moments like this—to feel like your internal world is compromised and you must attempt to control your external world. Neural circuits responsible for conscious self-control are highly vulnerable to even the mildest of stressors. When those neural systems shut down, primal impulses go unchecked, and mental paralysis sets in. But as a leader, it is critical to learn how to de escalate tension in the moment.
How to prepare for conflict
Putting feelings and emotions into words can help calm your nervous system. Practicing resonant self-talk and understanding your Default Mode Network (DMN) can help you connect with yourself, bringing you back into your body and helping you remain present in the moment with your employees or peers.
Investing time to prepare for conflict scenarios reinforces your ability to regulate and positions any potential conflict as an opportunity for connection. Consider these four steps as you prepare for possible conflict situations:
Step 1: Seek to fully understand the situation: Enter the conversation with an open mind and commit to leaving with a greater understanding of your employee’s experience.
Step 2: Set an outcome for yourself: What is the desired objective of the conversation? Are you seeking collaboration, clarity, or agreement on a go-forward strategy?
Step 3: Identify how to support yourself if tensions rise: What do you need to stay present and focused during the conversation? Leave yourself reminders to breathe, have a fidget toy handy, or repeat a grounding statement such as, “Everyone is struggling with something.”
Step 4: Set boundaries for yourself: Beware of your internal limits. Know that naming discomfort when it arises can help to slow the conversation down.
How to structure the conversation
Now that you’ve established your desired outcomes, solidified your self-regulation methods, and confirmed your boundaries, it’s time to hold the meeting. Visualize your next difficult conversation and implement this conversational structure:
- Notice body language or conversation cues
- Name what you are observing
- Offer validation to your counterpart in the conversation
- Invite them to share more
- Identify a collaborative path forward
In this flow, it is important to equip yourself with questions that nudge the conversation toward understanding, collaboration and, ultimately, psychological safety. Thoughtful questions that resonate with your employee’s physiological response state (e.g. fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) offer connection as a form of relief rather than control. You might also find that you need to repeat the second, third and fourth steps a few times before you’re both ready to identify a path forward. By asking questions and investing in the process, you can help your team move into a “foster” state of safety and clarity.
As you prepare for conflict, consider what state your direct report might be in. Are you coming off of a high-stress project where leadership gave a lot of critical feedback? Your team might be in fight or flight. If performance reviews are on the horizon and you’ve noticed your team is disengaged or over-accommodating, they might be in a freeze or fawn state.
How to respond to fight, flight, freeze or fawn reactions
Let’s examine how to deploy the aforementioned conversation flow in response to team members experiencing fight, flight, freeze or fawn states.
Response to the fight reaction stage
If your employee is in fight mode, they could be experiencing rage or anger. They might be exhibiting signs of intimidation or even bullying and could come across as demanding to you or their peers. During your meeting, you might notice they are speaking faster or louder (conversation cues), leaning in toward you, or crossing their arms (body language).
At this point, name what you see (“I can see that you are frustrated”) then offer validation: “I can understand why you are frustrated, especially given the feedback you received from leadership last week. I know how hard you worked on this project.” Then, invite them to offer more in the conversation. Ask: “Is there anything else you want me to know?” Finally, ask them how they envision moving forward. Again, questions can lead to clarity.
Response to the flight reaction stage
An individual in flight mode might be experiencing feelings of panic or anxiety. You might notice they are ruminating on certain topics or situations, or could even be overworking on a deliverable. In your conversation, they might seem restless or in a hurry to end the meeting. You might also notice they are avoiding talking about anything of substance as it relates to the project at hand.
Offer your observation: “You seem a little distracted and I’m noticing we’re talking around the issue here.” Then validate: “Are you concerned about discussing this project? I can understand if you’re feeling worried.” Consider asking, “What didn’t work well for you on this project?” before inquiring how they envision moving forward.
Response to the freeze reaction stage
Employees in a freeze state might be experiencing brain fog or a feeling of numbness. They could be stonewalling or hiding. In your meeting, you might notice they are less responsive or are having difficulty articulating their thoughts.
Share what you’re noticing: “You seem less present” or, “You don’t seem like your usual self.” Offer validation: “It makes sense given the pressure you’re under. I know how much you are invested in the outcome of this project.” Let them know that you want to understand their deeper concerns and leave space for them to explore before you identify next steps for a solution.
Response to the fawn reaction stage
You might notice someone in a “fawn” state is over-apologizing or overly accommodating. They’re not exhibiting strong boundaries and are avoiding addressing the conflict directly. At this stage, it is crucial as a leader to show that you want to hear what’s not working. The conversational cues from this individual might be less obvious—perhaps you’ve heard elsewhere that the person has a concern but they’re not bringing it up with you directly.
In your meeting, let them know you want to make room for any concerns they might have (“I am aware that you’re having challenges around this project, can we address that?”). Validate their experience by saying, “I really appreciate you taking the risk to be honest with me. I take your feedback very seriously.” As you move forward, express your commitment to solving the problem with them and ask: “What are we missing?”
You might have noticed this conversation flow closely resembles the tactical empathy model (notice, name, manage) and deploys resonant language throughout. In a world where 87% of employees say empathy is essential to fostering an inclusive environment, the onus is on our leaders to embrace these tactics, fortify their own self-regulation practices and create an environment where conflict is not feared—it is understood, accepted and leveraged to facilitate a better path forward toward a solution.