The great Goldie Hawn turns 80 years old today, and while there is lots of wonderful fare from her filmography over the years that practically begs for a second (or third, or fourth) viewing—Troop Beverly Hills, anyone?—today I was in the mood to see how the 1987 Garry Marshall film Overboard holds up. So much teased hair and sexual tension, and my God, the ’80s rich-girl outfits speak for themselves!
Without further ado, here’s literally every thought I had while rewatching Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in the original Overboard (a.k.a. decidedly not the mid 2018 remake).
- God, opening-credit fonts in movies used to be so cool.
- The people yearn for ’80s graphic design!
- Will I ever see ducks onscreen without thinking about Tony Soprano in his robe and boxers?
- “Should I buy a yacht?” I muse as I Klarna my groceries.
- I need to attend the Tillamook Country Crab Feed, stat.
- God, only Goldie Hawn could make calling this beautiful watery scene a “cesspool by the sea” charming.
- You don’t hear guys calling their significant others “diddums” so much anymore.
- Ditto men shooting skeet.
- Or do they still? Honestly, I don’t know what men do.
- Holy shit, this feathered hair on Kurt!
- DOUBLE holy shit, this high-cut white bathing suit and glittery cover-up on Goldie!
- I don’t smoke, but maybe I still need an extra-long cigarette holder.
- Should I decorate my new apartment exactly like Goldie’s boat?
- Kate Hudson really copy-pasted her mother’s face, which I find adorable.
- “Caviar should be round and hard and of adequate size, and it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.” Tea.
- I hope I get to say “Bid one million, seven hundred thousand” to someone in an imperious tone of voice someday.
- Oh my God, I need Goldie’s red pointy sunglasses.
- And these glittery winged ones!
- I burn, I pine, I perish!
- Why did guys wearing tank tops that fully exposed their nipples fall out of style?
- Maybe because only Kurt Russell could pull it off.
- I know I’m not supposed to root for Goldie, but…hell yeah, girl, push him the hell off that boat.
- Why didn’t I name my crusty little white dog Shiitake?
- “Darling, if you have a baby, you won’t be the baby anymore.” Truly the central paradox of my ongoing fertility musings.
- “Are you going to bring me my lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?” LOL.
- My God, four sons. The humanity.
- Did Goldie Hawn single-handedly invent the statement scrunchie?
- With a matching silver robe, no less!
- Love this imperiousness aimed at doctors from a hospital bed.
- Also, how is Goldie’s hair perfect after her amnesia-inducing fall from a boat?
- Also…sorry, if she has amnesia, how is she still a bitch?
- I mean, I’m no neuroscientist, but wouldn’t she forget all of her traits and mannerisms in addition to her identity?
- Nobody does a Canadian tuxedo like Kurt.
- Can’t say I love this gross “nice panties” scene with the cop.
- ACAB, baby!
- Wow, they were really just letting any random man claim any brain-damaged woman from the hospital in the ’80s.
- “He could be some stranger on the street!” Good instincts, Goldie.
- Is “Goober, Idaho” a real place?”
- God, I forgot how insanely creepy the plot of this movie is.
- Tricking a woman with a head injury…good times!
- Amazing delivery of the line, “I just ate a bug.”
- Bro, if you sprung me from the hospital and told me my new job was to take care of four insanely loud young blond boys, I’d just…run into the night.
- Why did all tween boys (including my cousins) have mullets in the late ’80s?
- This gingham dress is very Batsheva on Goldie.
- “A falsetto child?”
- I am LOLing.
- Okay, not to be a triggered lib, but I’m fast-forwarding through this creepy sex scene.
- Aw, dream-Goldie’s back in one of her insanely good outfits!
- Using a blow dryer to defrost a freezer…genuinely inspired.
- Aw, I like these dirtbag dogs.
- I don’t hate the beat-up aqua truck, either.
- “Tofutti Klein” needs to be my new alias.
- What, you don’t have a go-to alias to bust out in emergencies?
- This white T-shirt and denim flounce skirt is country-chic perfection.
- Very Carrie Bradshaw in Suffern.
- So weird that women don’t like being abducted from the hospital and forced into domestic servitude, Kurt!
- God, these kids suck.
- Go off against standardized testing, Goldie!
- Aw, she’s starting to like the fellas against her will 🙂
- Romance is beginning to brew!
- Camping with five males still sounds awful to me, but if it makes Goldie happy now for some reason, great.
- Even Goldie’s hair is settling into her new life. How sweet.
- “Sometimes moms leave.” 🙁
- Oh, it is so on between Goldie and Kurt.
- No wonder their onscreen chemistry is so real!
- “Shirtless in jeans”: another strong look for Kurt.
- I’m officially at the age where an in-unit washer for my apartment would also make me emotional.
- Throw in a dryer, too, and I’m crying.
- Should I get my dog a fanciful little hat with a veil?
- Holy shit, is Goldie’s rich husband…the grandpa from Gilmore Girls?
- Welp, the secret is out.
- All thanks to a pair of monogrammed underwear.
- Chekhov’s panties, if you will.
- Aw, Goldie’s memory is back, but now she’s choosing to have a shitty life!
- …with a hot man, at least.